The Intimate Connection Series

#1 Foundation for an Intimate Connection

When we talk of relationships, we talk mainly about love and all its beautiful components. We are all under the impression and think that a relationship is based on one primary key factor, which is Love. If you love someone then that relationship will be successful. We measure the success of a relationship based on the bell curve, of high love . If the curve of the bell is high then success is guaranteed. What if I told you that Love is a mere myth related to success of a relationship. That love isn’t the be all and end all of a relationship? What if I told you that you don’t need love as the magic ingredient for your relationship to succeed?

Many would think that this girl is “”nuts” she doesnt know what she is talking about. Maybe they are right, maybe I am drinking the cooolaid and gone a little off center. But then again, many people who have “out of the box” thinking have been labelled “crazy”, mad”, and “off the shelf”. People like Albert Einstein and his theory of relativity was shunned for many years, Bill Masters and Virginia Johnsons’s findings on the human sexual response, were ridiculed and labelled as “perverts watching people having sex”. Each of these individuals broke the box, mould and every thought about what life is and how it is and took their work out into the world, even at the risk of being called “crazy”. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not comparing myself to these revolutionaries, but what I am alerting you the reader to, is the fact that life isn’t always as it seems. Sometimes we need to step out of the box of familiarity and step into a place of absolute unknown. This is what couples therapy has done for me, its opened me to the vast possibilities of life and relationships in particular. What I grew up believing ,what I learnt in my twenty five years of marriage and what I have come to understand about relationships as I write this, is a far cry from twenty five years ago and what I knew about relationships.

What was then and what I know now!

Sex is not just sex for procreation, intimacy isn’t just closeness of two people, marriage isn’t two souls joinng to form one, love isn’t a guarantee for a healthy connection and communication isn’t just talking, but is actually loaded with meaning and feeling. Its about the “I” as well as the “me”, its about the “us” as well as the “collective”. We are now talking consciousness and awakening, we are no longer sacrificing and giving up our needs, we are now becoming part and parcel of a collective growth and healing. We speak of terms such as energy, frequency, happiness, joy, identity and respect. This is a start of a brand new way of looking at our relationships and its evolutionary journey. We are now dissecting our marriages and relationships so that we can bring a greater understanding as to how we tick. We are now being taken back to when we first met our partners.

The Concept of Energy

What exactly is energy? According to the Google dictionary, energy is; how things change and move. Its everywehere around us and takes all sorts of forms. The human body comprises matter and energy, energy is both electrical (impulses and signals) and chemicals (reactions). As we know through thermodynamics, energy cannot be created nor destroyed. It simply changes states. Having said that, every relationship starts with a particular energy. Whether you were introduced by someone, or met your partner on a blind date, or even if you chased that girl for years till she gave you a chance. Whatever it is, you and your partner connected on a level that was either exciting, challenging, dutiful or just plain on lustful. One of the four elements (physical, emotional, mental and spiritual) were at play at those given moments.

It can be said, that the energy at inception of a relationship is locked in as one pursues the relationship. This energy exists and cannot be destroyed , however this energy tells volumes about the state of any relationship. If the energy attraction at inception was based on physical attraction, emotional dependency, mental stimulation and spiritual communion, you will come to understand what foundation your relationship built itself on. If it was based on love, lust, security and dependency, then you will come to understand what your relationship is currently thriving on or crumbling under. If evolution of mind, body and soul doesn’t take place then change cannot happen.

#Respect is the energy which is often ignored

For a relationship to survive the continuous cycle of life, it needs only one basic ingredient, RESPECT. From all four quadrants, if Respect is picked up as the key component, then the energy of the communion of the two individuals coming together is activated. Only then will a relationship survive the three process cycle of creation, preservation and destruction. Throughout every relationship this three process cycle exists and goes on repeat. If Respect exists, then one comes out of the cycle stronger, committed, intact and with deep intimacy. Without it, intimacy wanes, the mental connection is broken, physical and emotional distance becomes greater and finally the spiritual communion of two souls becomes a sad memory.

Respect has an energy which is greater than love, communication, power and control. Respect is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Respect means that you accept, recognise and understand your partner’s identity. You have a deeper more clarified understanding of the subtle and vast differences which exists between you and your partner. You are able to contain your partners needs, wants and desires within your container of respect so that you and your partner can flourish and blossom together. That is the basic foundation of a healthy relationship.

Here are a few questions to get you and your partner started:

1. Does your partner accept you?

2. Do you accept your partner?

3. Are you able to be a stabilising container for when your parther needs to vent or do you have to have your say?

4. Are you able to listen to your partner without judgement?

5. Are you comfortable in your own skin?

Dr Akashni Maharaj, is a counselling psychologist in private practice.